9am
I'm with a friend. A boy? I want to get my hair dyed... Perhaps I am with my cousin, Lorena.
We are at the hair salon, but I have brought my own box of blonde hair color. It's golden blonde.
The place looks cheap, and I don't trust them. The person I am with, who may or may not be my cousin, goes into another room.
I am friends with the stylist, so I don't want to embarrass her by leaving. I explain in detail exactly what I want done, but she comes back with a color mixture far too light. I hate it. I try to explain what "low-lights" are, but none of the hairdressers seem to understand me. I begin to get frustrated. I feel this to be an incredulous situation and announce to the crowd of innocent stylists that I will try to find another example of low-lights to bring in, then I swiftly leave the salon for good.
Wake.
9 October
7pm
This time, this time I am with my co-workers. They are all much older than I. Older in years, but emotionally we converse as equals. My assistant, Jennifer, is with me. I consider her to be my closest friend. About as close as impersonal co-workers can get after knowing each other for only one month. We are on the job site, just hanging out with the crew. Brandon is there, so are Sarah and Francis. I openly and shamelessly flirt with the boys. Sarah hates me. I am especially talkative with her brother. Maybe I want to spread my attentions around equally? Maybe I want to anger Sarah in flirting with her older brother? I am bored. I begin to feel weary about my actions, but they joke and tease me.
There is a gym that we are all trying to get into. It's in a residential area halfway up a steep hillside. There aren't any parking spaces, so we decide to park at the bottom of the incline and hike our way to the structure. I feel we are standing on pavement. I know we are getting ready. My senses toy with me.
I am crouching, or perhaps I am sitting. I am low to the ground. There is another girl nearby. I can't tell who she is. A skinny blonde boy joins us. Jennifer takes off her clothes. Underneath, she is wearing a sporty and shiny 80's outfit, like the type of annoying hispter fashions in an American Apparel catalog. She keeps talking about her boyfriend. I finally ask for his name. She says he is Brandon. I am in shock.
I feel completely embarrassed for shamelessly flirting with him in front of her. I'm also confused as to why she didn't say anything. I know their relationship is strong. He comes over to us and kisses her.
I am happy for them, and impressed by Jen's secrecy.
I still want to go to the gym.
wake.
This time, this time I am with my co-workers. They are all much older than I. Older in years, but emotionally we converse as equals. My assistant, Jennifer, is with me. I consider her to be my closest friend. About as close as impersonal co-workers can get after knowing each other for only one month. We are on the job site, just hanging out with the crew. Brandon is there, so are Sarah and Francis. I openly and shamelessly flirt with the boys. Sarah hates me. I am especially talkative with her brother. Maybe I want to spread my attentions around equally? Maybe I want to anger Sarah in flirting with her older brother? I am bored. I begin to feel weary about my actions, but they joke and tease me.
There is a gym that we are all trying to get into. It's in a residential area halfway up a steep hillside. There aren't any parking spaces, so we decide to park at the bottom of the incline and hike our way to the structure. I feel we are standing on pavement. I know we are getting ready. My senses toy with me.
I am crouching, or perhaps I am sitting. I am low to the ground. There is another girl nearby. I can't tell who she is. A skinny blonde boy joins us. Jennifer takes off her clothes. Underneath, she is wearing a sporty and shiny 80's outfit, like the type of annoying hispter fashions in an American Apparel catalog. She keeps talking about her boyfriend. I finally ask for his name. She says he is Brandon. I am in shock.
I feel completely embarrassed for shamelessly flirting with him in front of her. I'm also confused as to why she didn't say anything. I know their relationship is strong. He comes over to us and kisses her.
I am happy for them, and impressed by Jen's secrecy.
I still want to go to the gym.
wake.
7 october 2009
7:15pm
I am drinking, and I can't drive. I run into Marco randomly... he wants to get back together with me. He keeps hugging and kissing me. His friend wants to drive my truck but he doesn't know how to drive manual transmission. We are in a parking lot. I want to show him how to drive but I am too drunk and too focused on Antonio. We are trying to find Yan, my good friend. I miss Yan, he is loyal to me; a comfort. I know that Yan is with my younger brother. Yan is trying to help him find a girl. Apparently they succeed, but I don't know where my brother is. Yan was found.. giddy, drunk; everyone's drunk and in party-mode. I feel out of control. Marco wants me to give him some of my tequila. I would but I didn't even know I had some. I feel happy and want to keep going, going, going. I hate stopping to wait. We have to wait. We end up in the loft of some huge house waiting for something - a speech, a show, or something. It's Marco, his friend, and myself. We are reading in the loft, they are pretending to read in the loft, we are really looking down for the action to begin. I cannot read, i am moving around, crawling on my knees, i am looking everywhere for more books to give to everyone else. There are bookshelves, short shelves that I must crouch down to reach. I am searching, i need something to do... I am thinking that I want this feeling to last. I am looking for something to help me keep this moment. Marco wants me back, and that's all that matters. I am thinking to myself that maybe since he was kissing me, that means he's not with his horrible girlfriend anymore. That even if he doesn't want me back, it still means that he doesn't want her.
Something happens.
It's bedtime now. I'm in the same loft house but it's in New York now and my mom, maybe my aunt or some type of 'motherly figure' is there. I feel her presence but cannot see her face. My brother Jake is there. We go to the other room in the loft. I feel scared. Lights out. There are three single beds. The room is small but long, with short barriers for walls. Everything is an eery green colour. I don't feel Antonio's presence anymore. The speech in the other loft scared me. It was a woman talking about a virus, illness in the city, about protecting yourself from this disease. Everyone, apparently, was getting sick. There are robotic machines involved. They are small, like toys. I turned mine off. When they are turned on they can sense movement and go after people, trying to get them out of the room. I don't understand them. Jake understands them. He is interested in them. I want him to take mine away. I am in bed and the others are asleep. I feel alone, afraid, still wondering about Antonio and that feeling. I've somehow lost the good feeling. I knew it would be elusive. I should have tried harder.
Somehow it is daytime and my favorite cousin is perched on a balcony and we're in a huge room, maybe the downstairs of the loft house. She is talking to me, but there are others present. I feel embarrassed; she's revealing personal information about myself. I can't remember exactly what she is saying. I am trying to block it. Trying to play it off like I don't care. I think she is talking about how I should get over Marco.
Suddenly everything fades and I'm with Ciara, my old roommate. We are to go on a trip with her family. We are driving in the desert going up the mountains to a place she knows very well. It is a place, she says, that she goes to annually for vacation. I don't know Ciara that well, but I am intrigued. We are in the backseat and her parents are driving. I can't see their faces. I feel at ease somehow, I feel almost honored to be invited. It feels intimate and I don't know why she wants me along. We were never friends, we didn't get along well when we lived together. But I respect her intellect and am delighted to be with her. We are passing what she and her parents are calling "Islands." At first I thought we were going to vacation on an island. I realize they are talking about the islands of shrubbery in dividers of the roads. Each island was very important to them - each had it's own theme. I feel like I need to feign interest. Ciara tells me about where we're going - it is a very small community and she works at the Starbucks every year. I want the energy and excitement of before. I also have a bad feeling about this trip. It feels fake.
Wake.
27 july 2009
11:00am
We're on the pier. I'm sitting with Sarah on a beam extending perpendicular to the pier, parallel to the waves, which are at very low tide. Cory R. is standing in the shallow water. He is throwing two footballs back and forth with us. One is light brown, the other is dark. I ask Cory what the difference is and he says that one is the Marine Corps ball, and the other is for the Navy Seals. I am flirting with him; I miss him a lot. We also have surfboards and plan on jumping from the beam to catch waves, but the tide keeps moving back...
Wake.
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